So sad.

I heard about this family tonight, they were putting branches in a wood chipper and the dad only turned his back for a second. That's all it took. His six year old son put a branch in there and got sucked in. The dads other kids were in the yard helping too and they all saw it happen. The grief councilors had to come straight down there with the family. My prayers are with them. It make's my problems so petty in comparison. Rest In Peace sweet child. Be with god.

Needing a sign.

Yesterday I was happy all day, and then later that night I went to Walmart with my mom. And when we went through the self-checkout the machine said I needed aproval from the cashire and she carded me. For a dvd! I didnt have my wallet so all she said sorry and turned around and left (with my dvd). Embarrased I wanted to get the hell out of there but the machine froze up and she had to come over and fix it again. Anything to leave but my mom pulls up and I guess even though Im 23 my mom has to be present and its all ok. At this point I was physically shaking. About two secend away from having a meltdown and I dont care about the dvd anymore I just want out. Out, out, out! But oh no, my mom wants me to buy the dvd I dont want anymore and she wont leave it be. I toss over the cash so I can maybe get out of there without a breakdown and the alarm dings over the door as we leave. That was the breaking point that set me over the edge. Hating myself that Im crying in public. I cryed all the way home. That happens alot when I PMS.

Bad Vibes

I have been having a really bad feeling lately. First I had a dream that a demon was after me. Then I found out that Grandpa has cancer and it has spread to his lymph nodes. Earlier today my mom got a call saying Anthony wasn't at the house when the bus tried to drop Layne off from school. Anthony was really asleep though and didn't hear them knocking. When you have a child their needs are suppose to be above your own. I don't feel that he gets that. Layne's suppose to feel loved and cared for but all he's getting is neglected and feeling unloved. It breaks my heart. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BROTHER??? And tonight Shasta was brought in to the vet for her itching. She's chewed all the fur off the end of her tail in kept gnawing on her feet. She had a mite dip for any mites the may be under the skin. A couple hours latter she collapsed and peed on the carpet. It reminds me of the last days with Blondie. After calling the vet for help she said it could be an allergic reaction from the dip and to wash it off. It seems we unknowingly poisoned our dog. Washed and dried with a hair dryer we gave her some benadryl and put maple syrup on her gums to bring up her sugar levels. Looks to be working a bit, but not much. We hope for the best, but she's a really old dog. And to top off all the stress, while I was laying in bed here I keep hearing the hissing like a snake or a cat of god forbid a hissing spider but my mind keeps going back to my dream where that demonic demon found me in bed. I keep hearing it in the empty corner of my room and can't see anything there. Its really freaking out!

Whats my Legacy?

If I were to die tomorrow I don't think Id have anything to show for it. I work in a bakery and spend my free time reading. I have always wanted to travel but I don't take action to really go somewhere. I have all these plans and ideas that feel like I'll never get a chance with. I believe I'm a dreamer. In fact I know I am. Does that mean that Ill never really hike the Appalachian trail or build a small cabin on my own plot of land? Or backpack across the UK? I have this feeling I get every once in a while that makes me want to pick up my things and move to a new place a start all over. I know that if I want to be remembered for something I'll have to take the first step. My only problem is being lonely. Will I ever have a one true friend that I can count on? I could sure use one right now.

In Another Funk Again

I have been way off my game the last few days. I can't seem to do things right. My self esteem has taken a nose-dive and I'm pretty sure it's PMS. I keep crying over everything. My work. My money. My future! That's the one that seems to keep turning in my mind is that I need to figure out what I want in life. I just finished watching 'PS I Love You' with my mom. the tears were endless. Every time I saw Gerry I cried so much my eyes are sore. Why can't I have a man like that? Someone I can share my life with and love me forever? This funk depression come on every couple of months. Then my mom gets the fun job of listening to me go on and on about my life and how I need to get out and do something. Nothing ever comes from it and I'm sure in a few months it'll happen all over again. She's the only support system I have right now. Wish I was stronger and able to really do something about it. Meet new people. Maybe later though, I'm completely exhausted. Off to bed I go. Hope I feel better in the morning.

Good To Go

The past few days have gone by surprisingly well. The 10 year anniversary of the Sept. 11th attak on the twin towers. I watched the 911 tribute on tv for a little while.
I went to the Apple River with my Mom and Layne yesterday. My mom brought her metal detector with and we used it in the water. Found some pop cans, a spinner, and a really rustly round bowl like thing. We kinda setup camp on a small sand bar in the middler of the river. Layne played in the sand and I helped him build a sand castle, complete with 2 leaf flags. Got lots of pictures.
Today was my day off. So this morning I got my deer stand all situated. I brought my bow and arrows with and was able to shoot at a target up there. I did very well so I better geta deer this year. Bow season opens Saturday so wish me luck. I also watched Layne for a bit and went fishing at Big Rock. NOT ONE BITE! So instead grandpa brought down hotdogs and we all ate around a camp fire. It was real nice. Kinda peaceful.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I came home from work after running around on my feet all day, working till 2:30. Then get a call from Gabby Cayabyab saying she's with Zoe Bohlen. Well there's a shocker! Gabby was my best friend since we were 5 years old and met at the Apple River Park. She asked if I was a boy or a girl, and thus began our strange friendship for years to come. Zoe on the other hand I met before Gabby, around the same time. Zoe was my church friend. His grandfather and family ran a church in an old barn where we all held services Saturday nights. We would play (And get in trouble) together. I brought Gabby with me and the three of us grew up together seeing each other every week. We played 'The Deck Game' 'Hide and Seek' and enough food fights with watermelion and tapioka pudding to remember the hour long trip home wearing gooie clothes. That is until Zoe's parents decided to move to Bismark, North Dakota. He left when he was about 12 years old. So when Gabby and Zoe came by my house and I saw him it was quite a shock. All grown up and complete with a mature deep voice and everything. Eight years is a long time! I Actually thought he probably forgot who I was. I guess not. They came over and stayed for a couple hours. It was really nice. I think back to those younger years and think of them as the good ole days. I hope now we can keep in touch. I never had many friends and it always hurts to lose them again. I guess time will tell.